If you want to reduce your web browser's carbon footprint and not click that link, here are some gems:
“If you look at your typical modern cemetery, it functions less as a natural, bucolic resting ground for the dead than as a landfill of largely nonbiodegradable—and in some cases toxic—material,” said Mark Harris, author of a book about green funeral practices, to The Indianapolis Star.
Does it, Mark? Not from my experience. Any and all relatives of mine that have passed were buried with conservation and the environment in mind. We use styrofoam coffins (filled, of course, with endless packing peanuts to prevent damage while jostling) and bury the deceased in holes dug with bald eagle bone shovels. We burn the grass away from the area with a pesticide cocktail and cover it with whale skin (to preserve the dirt). After the resting place is satisfactory, we fire a 7-can Aerosol salute into the air to commemorate the life of our loved one. Finally, we use an SUV with a full tank of gas as a tombstone, set to idle indefinitely. Asshole.
Did this tool really write a book on green funeral practices? Wow, he sure did:
Thank you, warrior of the Earth, for setting us right. My $16.32 is on the way... please instruct me further in the ways of dealing with my baby boomer insincere guilt.
"Do we need to expend that kind of energy on a box we are going to use for one or two days and then bury forever?” said Joe Sehee, executive director of the Green Burial Council, a group that advocates for green end-of-life practices.
Yes.
Julian Atkinson, who runs what he claims is the U.K.'s first carbon-neutral coffin manufacturing operation, is trying to convince consumers that his locally made coffins, built from certified sustainable wood, are more environmentally friendly than imported willow or bamboo coffins "of uncertain provenance that are shipped halfway around the world."
Why must he claim they're the first? Because this is almost entirely about money and cashing in on a trend. In some cases, that's a good thing. The snake-like tendencies of businesses to ride the green train to move some more product has probably caused them to accidentally do something good at times, but let's be honest with ourselves. This all stems from some sort of guilt we as a people possess... we take up this epic task of protecting the Earth; not because we really care about this giant rock, but because we need to feel noble and just. Look, our advances in industry certainly have had their wear and tear on the environment, but we're getting better at it and refining our methods. No need to fret... plus, if we mess it up too bad, we now have a giant reset switch that can fix it all:
That's science friends. All our carbon footprints over the years - large as they may be - have led us to develop THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER, and for that, I think the Earth is pretty grateful. In fact, just last week, Earth had this to say:
Hey guys! My ozones are fine... no biggie! Thanks for the LARGE HADRON COLLIDER!!! -e
6 comments:
Lolz!
and quit trying to be like me with all the death. Thanks.
You should somehow try to include the LHC in every post you tack up, even long after it is cuil to do so.
This was hilarious. The Earth is funny when it talks. Funnier still is watching the transition of a man into staunch conservatism. When you and George Bush on standing on the political spectrum, he asks, "Chris, why are you standing so far to my right?"
That'll sure make murder mysteries less fun in future books.
Also - where are the grave-robber interviews? That'll take all the fun out of the jobs to just wait a few months and dig up DIRT to get to the valuables.
Final notes, only semi-related, I think I want to be cremated - and have my ashes scattered in some community's water supply.... or maybe in one of the pools at a water-bottling company. No reason. Yes, ew.
That, or like, a Hefty Cinch-sak... maybe 2. Biodegradable, of course.
I wrapped my grandparents in plastic bags and then doused them with used motor oil.
Post a Comment